Educated Animals; Well, Smart At Least

What is going on with the educational system in the U.S.? I'm not talking about lack of government funding, or lawmakers' efforts to introduce questionable curricula, or holier-than-thou parents trying to ban certain books. I'm referring to the unruly behavior of animals in classrooms all across America.

The following "news" items from UPI illustrate a growing concern in a number of institutes of intermediate learning:

Pierre, South Dakota - A pair of cows escaped from a South Dakota high school and went wandering across highways and through yards before being corralled at a softball field, police said.

The Pierre Police Department said in a Facebook post the the yearling cows were accused of "skipping school" when they wandered off while taking part in an exhibit at Riggs High School.

"Their adventure took them across roads and highways, through yards and eventually to the Pierre Softball Complex," the post said.

Police, animal control officers and Hughes County sheriff's deputies met the cows at the field and were able to usher them into a fenced-in area.

"City parks crews assisted and before long recess was over and the yearlings returned to class," police wrote.

Delinquent Cows Caught Skipping Class

One might think that these cows were just brought in as part of an exhibit for students of animal husbandry or something. However, the article states that the cows were "taking part in an exhibit"; nothing about being the exhibit. Also, in the accompanying video to the news item, the news anchor states that the cows were, "attending an exhibit."

And to those who think cows are just dumb animals, keep in mind that the story states that these two were "yearlings" - just one year old! I know that I was fourteen before I was smart enough for high school.

Moving on.

Austin, Texas - Students and teachers at a Texas high school said they have had to repeatedly evict an unusual category of unwanted guests -- raccoons.

The recent raccoon sightings at McCallum High School in Austin began with a dead raccoon found in a wall March 10, and the incident was followed by a raccoon being caught in a live trap in a science classroom April 10 and a trio of raccoons being spotted running through a hallway April 26.

It does seem odd that a raccoon was caught in a live trap in a science classroom. Are they sure that it - unlike the cows in the previous story - wasn't there as part of an exhibit? Even if it was half as smart as those cows, it could have been conducting an experiment; perhaps working on the trap when it inadvertently became ensnared.

As far as the trio of the masked bandits running through the halls, that must have been when classes were in session. I remember from my high school days, with all the commotion and chaos at recess and between classes, no one would have noticed three small furry mammals amongst the rest of us wild creatures pinballing through the corridors.

Next story:

Summersville, West Virginia - A school principal in West Virginia received a scare Monday morning when he unlocked a dumpster outside of the building and came face to face with a bear.

A video posted to Facebook by the Nicholas County Board of Education shows Zela Elementary School Principal James Marsh removing the latch from a dumpster outside the school Monday morning.

The footage shows Marsh removing the latch when the lid to the trash receptacle abruptly swings open and a bear appears from inside.

Marsh, and another employee exiting a door just as the bear appears, are seen running for safety as the bear emerges and runs in the opposite direction.

"Who says principals don't deserve hazard pay?" the Facebook post said.

This story did not say that the bear was necessarily in the school, but it's possible the poor thing actually had been attending classes and went looking for some tastier nutrition after having sampled the school cafeteria fare at lunchtime. If that's the case, then the principal apparently didn't recognize one of his own students.

Finally, we have this item which does not involve animals in school, but does involve an activity where humans should, but usually do not expect to have an encounter with wild critters.

Midland, Michigan - A Michigan woman walking her dog on a trail said a pair of emus appeared from the woods and chased her for about half a mile.

Kate Buning said she and her dog, a pug mix, were walking on the Pere Marquette Rail Trail in North Bradley, northwest of Midland when a pair of emus suddenly appeared nearby.

Buning snapped a photo of the flightless Australian birds before they started walking toward her.

"I was terrified," Buning told MLive.

She said the emus followed as she retreated and became more aggressive, chasing her for about a half a mile. Buning said the emus gave up their pursuit when she arrived at a road access point...

The emus' origins were unknown Tuesday.

The article states that they are flightless birds, but if they're from Australia, then I have no idea how they got to Michigan other than by flying —  via airplane or otherwise. Since their origins were unknown, they may be just as clever as the other beasts mentioned here and with passports in hand, mixed in with the human populace and got tickets on a commercial airliner. 

Although not specifically noted, it could be that the large birds were just on their way to school. Their aggressive behavior could be attributed to the fact that they needed to bring something to class for "show and tell" and wanted the little pug for that purpose. 

One last animal story, but not a "news" item. Years ago my brother told me that he was watching a bull riding competition on a televised rodeo. He said one particular bull was "the meanest I've ever seen." According to my brother, when the gate was opened, this animal calmly walked out of the chute, knelt down, and just rolled over the poor cowboy, leaving him looking like a cartoon character that had just had an encounter with a bulldozer. 

Was that a bull or a bulldozer?

I agree that bull was one mean animal, and although probably uneducated, is likely the smartest one mentioned here.

Beagle Call Rag

As a Canadian, it's a good thing that I don't suffer from chionophobia or frigophobia. Respectively, those are fears of snow and cold. Then again, a fear of something might spur on your instinct to get rid of it. A fear of snow would lead to a healthy instinct to shovel it away.

There are a number of phobias, but the phobia to end all phobias is phobophobia - a fear of being afraid. As FDR said, "...the only phobia we should have is phobophobia" or something like that.

Our beagle, Sandy, suffers terribly from astraphobia, also known as brontophobia or tonitrophobia - the fear of thunder.

I don't even dare show this photo to our dog

We've tried several strategies to relieve Sandy (a boy by the way, like Little Orphan Annie's dog) from his dreadful fear. I'll bet we've tried every idea found on an internet search.  

One suggestion is to put on some classical music. Veterinary behaviorists say it works magic on scared pets. I tried that with Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. It didn't work. In fact, it seemed to make things worse.

Another strategy is to try a thunder shirt. That didn't work either. Even a kid's size was way too big and baggy. Besides, my dog didn't want to be seen in it. His favorite basketball team is the Minnesota Timberwolves.

I'm sorry, but this shirt does nothing for astraphobic dogs or canine basketball fans

One website states that "dogs are den animals and feel safer in a more enclosed environment" which explains why our furry friends try to hide under a bed during storms or fireworks displays.

To be honest, I kind of like it when our little guy shivers and quivers while cowering under the bed. He gets the whole bed a-shakin'. It's just like one of those Magic Fingers devices found at cheap hotels in the 1970's. I get a free massage! The boom of thunder is as welcome as the clink of a quarter into the Magic Fingers coin slot. 

The cost is only 25 cents or 1 terribly frightened pooch

Another bonus of these situations is that Sandy remains relatively quiet. The only sound is his panting. The sound ain't much, but the odor of his breath - HOO BOY! - a potent blend of dog food, fear, and liver treats.

On the other hand, during nice weather, this crazy cur can drive us cuckoo. Vociferous doesn't describe him. Daily, our neighbors gather together to perform a rain dance in hope that a thunderstorm will shut him up and send him back under the bed. He will bark at any scent or movement within a five mile radius of his domain.

God forbid a chipmunk should tiptoe through the yard sometime during any 72 hour period lest Sandy start baying like he was hot on the trail of Cool Hand Luke. This is what I really worry about late at night when Sandy rings the PoochieBells ® to go out. If he goes bonkers on a scent at 3 in the morning, then the neighbors couldn't be more upset if I were out there waking them up with a bugle instead of a beagle.

Keep in mind, if you want to have a dog as part of your household, then you need to be committed. The barking and the shivering notwithstanding, it can be very entertaining to be a dog owner. 

I hesitate to relate the following story for fear that readers should think my wife and I are unfit owners, but here it is:

My wife bought a jar of coconut oil at a local flea market. Coconut oil is allegedly useful for everything from skin care, to cooking, to overall health, to... I don't know, probably home renovations.    

Anyway, my wife had left the jar unopened on the nightstand in the bedroom. I don't know how long it had been there like that, but I happened upon it and noticed that the jar was empty - completely empty, as if it had been licked clean. 

Immediately after letting my wife know about this, there was Sandy dancing the beagle boogie at the door in an effort to let us know that he really needed to go. He dashed out into the yard and got no further than two feet into the grassy area and -WHOOOSH!- a movement that would have made the makers of Purg-Odan envious. I guess you can add "dog laxative" to the other uses for coconut oil.

Sandy must have gotten to the jar from the bed, otherwise I'm not sure how he got at it since the night table is a good thirty-two inches high.  

Believe it or not, while researching for this blog post, I was reading a website's list of the benefits of coconut oil, and for hydrating dry hands it states, "Coconut oil can work wonders on dry, itchy skin. 'I keep a jar of organic extra virgin coconut oil by the kitchen sink and put a little on after washing my hands to keep them soft and moist,' says Dr. Low Dog." 

Dr. Low Dog? While I'm writing about our short-assed beagle somehow getting at a jar of coconut oil on the nightstand? You just can't make this stuff up.

Sandy likes to stay warm in bed while the humans are out shoveling snow

Betcha can't eat just one

However, anyone who has been in our house can attest to the fact that we love our beagle:

I think it's pretty obvious.

Finally, just as I was about to publish this post, I saw that my wife had written "Sears" on the calendar for this coming Sunday. 

Not being much of a shopper, I didn't realize until now that Sears hasn't been around in Canada since 2018. So I said, "Honey, Sears isn't open on Sunday." 
She replied, "I was afraid you were going to read it that way. I'm giving Sandy his ear drops on Sunday."

Mnemonic Mnonsense

Remember this when attempting to spell rinhoserous, rhinoserus, rinocerous, that R animal with the big horn on his shnoz (sung to the tune of the children's ABCDEFG song):

♫  R then I or H is Next,
O this word Sure has me vexed. ♪

Well, at least it gives you five or six of the letters, I think.

What we have above is an example (albeit a lousy one) of a mnemonic; a device used to help memorize something. The word mnemonic comes from Mnemosyne, the Greek goddess of memory, which is ironic since no one will be able to remember that little tidbit of info.

Mnemosyne, The Forgettable Goddess Of Memory

A famous mnemonic for remembering the number of days each month is,

Thirty days has September,
April, June, and November,
All the rest have thirty-one,
Save February at twenty-eight,
But leap year, coming once in four,
February then has one day more.

But does this really work? September, November, and December all rhyme. You could get them mixed up and have your whole schedule in disarray. 

With that in mind, here is an improvement on that tired old mnemonic:

Thirty days has the S month,
April June and the N month.
The effin' F month has twenty-eight,
Except for leap years; add one date.

Remember as well that centenary years not divisible by four-hundred are not leap years. For example, the year 1900 is not divisible by four-hundred. therefore it is not a leap year and would have twenty-eight days that February and not twenty-nine as you might expect since it was four years after the previous leap year and you always thought leap years were every four years no matter what and also because, if you'll remember, the year 2000 (which is divisible by four-hundred) did have that extra day in February and so it strengthened the common belief that leap year is every four years. Then again, anyone born in 1900 wouldn't be around today and the next non-divisible-by-four-hundred centenary year would be 2100, and at the rate this planet is going, no one will be around to give a flying leap about what is or what is not a leap year. 

The mnemonic kind of loses its catchiness and memorability at the end there, but it is important that you learn it if you and the planet are still around in 2100. Keep in mind that there are people who can recite Mercutio's Queen Mab speech. 

In grade 12 chemistry class, we were required to know the first twenty elements on the periodic table. Wikipedia has a list of mnemonics which includes this one for remembering those twenty:

Harry, he likes beer by cupfuls, not over frothy, never nasty mugs allowed. Since past six closing, are kegs cancelled?

Seriously? Wouldn't it be just as easy to remember the elements themselves? Well, I've got that moronic mnemonic beat. To this day, I can name all twenty in order. Here is what I came up with back in high school. Just remember:

LiBeBCNOFNe and NaMgAlSiPSClAr

I can hear the readers at home now, "What kind of mnemonic is that? You just listed the symbols of the elements in order. How does that help? Besides, you have only sixteen of them there!"

Yes, I knew you would say that. All you need to do is remember Hydrogen and Helium as the first two elements. That should be easy enough - the two lightest elements and both beginning with an H.

Now, phonetically sound out the first of those two words as, "libby-bic-nof-nee". The second one is pronounced, "nam-gal-sip-sclar".  

With elements 19 and 20, well, you'll just have to remember them. Maybe the first three letters of KC and the Sunshine Band?

From this day forward, your friends and acquaintances will think of you as some sort of chemistry professor.

Similarly, I remember the colors of the spectrum (red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet) with the word ROYGBIV (pronounced roygbiv).

Apparently, there is an alternate strategy using the strange phrase, Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain. You're supposed to somehow remember that odd expression. You might try to recall it and think, Henry Of Lancaster Did Scuffle For Naught, and come up with a spectrum of hazel, orange, lavender, dandelion, salmon, fuchsia, and navy. You'd be right on "orange", but strike out with the rest, giving you a score of one out of seven. Better to go with ROYGBIV instead. It's never failed me.

Some mnemonics are just downright dumb. 

Here are three of the most bizarre and unmemorable ones for naming the planets in our solar system (Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus Neptune, Pluto):

Most Vegetables Eat More Juice So Usually Never Pee
Many Vicious Elephants Met Just Slightly Under New Pineapples
Mark's Very Extravagant Mother Just Sent Us Ninety Parakeets

Those absolutely stink! What do they even mean? Vegetables eat juice and pee? And if they eat (as opposed to drink) more juice, wouldn't they be more likely to pee? Vicious elephants meet "just slightly" under new pineapples? Do docile elephants meet very substantially under old pineapples? Who is Mark and why is his mom sending us a flock of birds? And if she's so extravagant, why didn't she choose the much more expensive parrot? How is anyone supposed to remember those? They're so arbitrary and nonsensical that one would need a mnemonic to remember them. 

A better idea is to remember the Sun, then My Very Easy Method, Jack, then SUN again. Forget Pluto. It's been downgraded to a minor planet and doesn't count anymore.

For all my American readers out there, I thought I would come up with a mnemonic to remember all of the Canadian provinces in case one of those annoying Canadian geography questions come up in Jeopardy, or if you somehow find yourself at a Canadian embassy soiree in Washington D.C. From west to east the provinces are British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Ontario, Quebec, New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland and Labrador (Newfoundland and Labrador may be more than a mouthful, but it is just one province). Then we have the territories, Yukon, Northwest Territories, and Nunavut. As you can see, three of the ten provinces begin with N as do two of the three territories, which we shall address.

Using a goofy mnemonic like the planet ones previously discussed, I could give you:

Bring Along Spider Monkeys Or Question Not Perfectly Normal Nougats, You Ninja Nurses.

I dare say we'd be better off with my word creation method and have:

BASMO QuNePNoNe
Pronounced bas-mo que-nep-no-nee. Sounds like a name. Basmo Quenepnone - the Greek god of Canadian Geography.

As far as the territories go, just think of YNN pronounced "youninny", as in "why can't you remember those names, you ninny!"
Or as in the following conversation;
"What's that province mnemonic again?"
"Basmo QuNePNoNe, you ninny!"
"Thank you. Very good of you to include the territories as well."

And to help with the N dilemma, just memorize this "poem":

Rememb'ring those N names is easy my son;

Just say, "New B, Nova, New L, North, and Nun."

Rolls right off the tongue.

Finally, here is a mnemonic (also sung to the tune of the children's ABCDEFG song) to help remember how to spell mnemonic and other tough words:

♪ Silent m before the n,
e-m-o-n-i-c then. 
P then n to spell pneumatic;
Sometimes words are problematic.
Then again it ain't no fuss
To spell the word "rino rinho rhinos..." ♫ 

I'll never remember how to spell that big dumb animal.

Shrunken Sweaters And Gorilla Backpacks: More SSIC Q and A

Hooray! Hooray! The first of May! 

Outdoor "activities" start today.

It’s certainly not my intent

To wrongly convey what I meant.

For if one thinks that I’d imply

Improper acts, they must be high. 

The euphemism “activities” 

Refers to passive pursuits like these: 

Contemplating nature and

Lying in the sun and sand.

Hooray! Hooray! It’s May the first.

Of all my poems, this one’s the worst.

Ugh. Enough of that. Let's move on.

Once again, we at Snow Shoveling In Canada are here to answer some of the most pressing questions of our time. Think of us as the Lighthouse of Alexandria with its nearby library; a beacon of knowledge shining out of the misty fog of general dumbness.

Hooray! Hooray! The first of May!
Let's begin our Q and A. 

Enough already! Besides, it's May 4th. Sheesh!

Q:  In what sport is double dribble a violation?
A:  Recently in USA Today's Daily True Trivia game, players were asked if the statement "Double dribble is a violation in baseball" was true or false. Many of you out there might think that double dribble is an illegal move in basketball, and would choose false. However, the brainy quizmasters at USA Today beg to differ. They claim the statement is true. 

Although the research team here at Snow Shoveling In Canada could not verify their assertion, we do know that a lot of tobacco is chewed during a baseball game. Many a time have we seen baccy juice dribble down a ball player's chin. If that happens twice in an inning, it could be considered a double dribble. But, other than the fact that it's rather disgusting, we're not sure why it is considered a violation.

Q:  Are there any backpacks that sorta look like a gorilla?
A:  Believe it or not -

A review of it can be found here, Dakine Poacher 36L Backpack, but it says nothing about gorillas.

Q:  Are there any gorillas that sorta look like a backpack?

A:  Not really, but we found one that somewhat resembles the Dakine Poacher 36L:

Q:  I accidentally put my wife's wool sweater in the dryer and it shrunk. What can I do?

A:  You could sell it on Poshmark. 

The woman in the above photo from the TV ad gushes about all the fabulous fashion she finds at Poshmark. So you should have no problem peddling your teeny tiny top to Poshmark shoppers.

Q:  Yes, that's good advice, but before I resort to that, I want to try and stretch it back into shape before my wife sees it. What should I do?

A:  Speaking from experience, I once also put my wife's wool sweater through the washer and dryer. I couldn't believe what came out was the same article of clothing I put in. I tried to stretch it out, but when I pulled on the sleeve, I ripped it right off. It looks as though the sweater on the woman in the above photo has also had its sleeve pulled on, as you can see where it's coming apart at her shoulder.

As long as you didn't shrink it too much, you could try doing what I did after I shrank another one of my wife's sweaters (you'd think I'd learned my lesson). With tremendous effort, I somehow squeezed my way into the sweater and did a few bodybuilder poses to stretch it out. It was still smaller than pre-laundered, but compared to the Poshmark girl's sweater, it was a veritable baggy oversized loose knit.

Q:  I hate doing laundry. How can I get my wife to handle all of the laundry duties?

A:  Just do what I did and shrink two of her favorite sweaters.

Here are some actual questions from the "unanswered" section of Answers.com. We shall strive to shed light on these queries with our knowledgeable insightful enlightening perspicacity (thank you Thesaurus.com):

Q:  Crockpot recipe for pork chops, rice and mushrooms?

A:  Ingredients: pork chops, rice and mushrooms.

      Directions: Cook in crockpot. Enjoy.

Q:  9logX-2logy=log X9/Y2?

A:  If you say so.

Q:  What would happen if a person fell on Jupiter?

A:  The planet or the god? In either case, the result would be disastrous. If you're talking planet, then stay sober and wear a helmet, elbow pads, and knee pads on your next visit to that giant orb. If you're talking god, then God help you.

Answers.com also has this question from one Hinda Faarax:
"4777712.hinda.faarax?" To which someone answered, "huh?" 

Now that's a pretty good answer to that particular question. However, we found that Hinda had answered someone else's question of "How do you write 170 million in number?" with the response, "4777712.hinda.faarax"

So with that information in mind, we can revisit Hinda's original question and provide the correct response:

Q:  4777712.hinda.faarax?
A:  170 million written in number.

Finally, here are a couple more questions and answers from a previous post that deserve another look:

Q:  How do you spell rinocerus rhinoseros rhinosoros rihnocerous oh, the hell with it.
A:  We believe the word you’re looking for is rhinosaurus; a great lizard of the sebaceous period. This fearsome giant is the ancestor to our modern day horned hippoplatypus.

Q:  Who stole the kishka?
A:  Since a Wikipedia article describes kishka in part as “a blood sausage made with pig's blood and buckwheat or barley, with pig's intestines used as a casing…” then we have no idea who in their right mind would think this an item worth pilfering. We suggest you consult your local constabulary. They may want to check some emergency rooms for any recent admits with gastrointestinal distress.

Any questions?