Eh? Account? Absolutely Not!

A is for Absolutely Not!

The annual A to Z blogging challenge has started. I will NOT be participating again. I've done so only once. That was back in 2012 and I swear it blogged me out. Yes, I've posted a few times since, but I've really had to rack my brain to come up with anything blogworthy. 

I can still hardly believe that I posted twenty-six entries that April; almost a post each day. Well, I'm not falling for it this year. In fact I've decided to scale back my blogging to roughly one post per week. Here are the rules for my personal April blogging challenge: I might (no pressure here) post only four entries, and I can choose topics beginning with any damn letter I like.

But, because I'm amiable and it would be appropriate, I will start with A.

A is for Account.

Has anyone else ever wondered why we have to create an account for virtually every site that we visit on the Internet? 

You want news? Sports? Weather? Create an account. How about financial info? Create an account. How do I care for my pet? Create an account. Where can I find a good accountant? Create an account. Are we all headed toward a world war and planetary annihilation? Create an account. How can you become more accountable? Take a wild guess.

It's crazy! For all my various accounts, my "password book" has such a plethora of passwords listed in it that it now has more pages than your average pocket dictionary. I can just see it now, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary of Passwords. 

It seems that I'm a little too close to the truth with that last wisecrack. Doing a Google search for "dictionary of passwords" comes up with 27,200 hits. That number almost equals a count of total accounts and passwords I currently have in use. Soon enough, I'll need a dedicated server with a brontobyte of storage. Yeah, that sounds right. Something the size of a brontosaurus. Of course I'll have to create a blasted account and remember my accursed password to access it.  

In light of the popularity (forget about usefulness) of accounts and their necessary passwords, the management here at Snow Shoveling In Canada has decided that it is high time — considering the staggering number of celebrated and big-money viewers who frequent this blog — that we require visitors to log in to a proper account. Needless to say, a password is a must.

Our security team has proposed that each password be thirty-one characters in length, using at least nine capital letters and four numbers. As well, eleven characters should be special (neither alphabetic nor numeric). You cannot use anything that resembles your name, spouse's name, email, social security number, address, or any combination of letters remotely resembling any word in the standard Merriam-Webster Dictionary.  

Also, your password must contain an image or pictograph. As well, at least one Chinese character and one Egyptian hieroglyph are required. 

For example:

yUnL%@VDJpx 4#!5 龙 &Wh ^%O𓃥olPL39?🌋

Whatever passwords you come up with, we'll likely reject your first seven or eight attempts just for the heck of it. In addition, once you've entered your password, you must figure out an annoying CAPTCHA to make sure you aren't a bot. Worse still, it will be one of those CAPTCHAs with pictures, such as "select all images with a bus." Of course, you'll think, "Do I click on that square that has a seemingly insignificant portion of a bus tire?" Robots, even with their AI, apparently can't figure those out. I thought they were supposed be smart. Then again, we humans can't figure them out either. 

Select all images with a bus. Better not make a mistake!

Once you guess the right images, and only then, will we let you know if you've entered a wrong password. If you make a mistake (and we trust you will), you'll have to go through the whole process again. But not to worry. You'll only have to do it three times before we lock you out of your account. Be prepared to spend a good week as persona non grata before you are allowed to read your favorite blog again. More likely than not, you will need to create a new account (and obviously, a new password). As well, you will be required to send us an explanation along with a notarized letter from a reliable CPA (Certified Password Accountant).

Just do your best. We don't really care. Getting you as frustrated as possible is our only concern.

Please do not get too upset when, once you're account is approved, we send you a gazillion promotions and specials with regard to this invaluable website. We're interested in you, not us. If you receive what you believe to be too many emails, just click on the "unsubscribe" button (we'll try to make that difficult as well) and we (the great and amazing people we are) just might, after a time, consider removing you (whoever the blazes you are) from our mailing list. 

On further thought and in typical magnanimous fashion, we've decided to simplify our password requirements somewhat. Here are our new proposed requirements:

• The first character of your very personal password needs to be a capitalized letter; any letter of the alphabet except letters between and including b and z.
• Your second secret character must be lower case and be the next letter in the alphabet immediately after your first chosen letter.
• Your third unique character, also lower case, must be any letter from a to c but it cannot be any of your previously used letters.
• The fourth through sixth "special to me" characters need to be a numerical sequence of numbers greater than 122 but not more than 124. 
• Finally, an exclusive special character must be used other than @#$%^&*()+?{}|\][~`></'";: or ,..

That simplifies things, doesn't it? If you should somehow forget your password, just copy and paste the following:  Abc123! 

Don't worry,  there are no unscrupulous S.O.B.s in this world and no one will use your particular password. HA HA HA!!! Oh, wouldn't it be nice to live in a world where there were no unscrupulous S.O.B.s and passwords were not needed? 

Creating an account with us has nothing to do with our considerable desire for monetary gain, but more to do with your own security and what seems to be a necessary evil in the spirit of today's online experience. 

To be honest, the more subscribers we have, the better the chance that we can attract sponsors, and in turn, big time moolah. Undoubtedly you will be seeing pop-up ads in the middle of the screen - as welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring (tra la).

For those who don't like pop-up ads (c'mon, who doesn't like 'em?), we are also considering a member upgrade to a premium account at a small cost (by our greedy standards) to allow for an ad free experience.

Also, as a token of our appreciation, premium members will receive a coffee mug, sweatshirt and badge.

Gifts of Great Account

And keep an eye peeled for the all new Snow Shoveling In Canada app; available wherever appetizers are sold.

OK. That's enough of that nonsense. Seriously, does anybody really need another account? Absolutely not! 

But there truly must be a need for some reliable Certified Password Accountants.