Flamin' Flamens! Ye Gods!

Great Zeus! Jumping Jupiter! 

I, for one, could never keep straight in my mind all the different Greek and Roman gods. I mean, there are so many of them. And aside from the sheer volume, it's hard to remember which ones are Greek and which are Roman. 

Therefore, I felt I should set the record straight on a few of those dizzying deities.

What a better way to start than with the obscure god Falacer. According to Wikipedia, "he was assigned a minor flamen" which is a lesser priest.

I thought perhaps flamen (especially a minor one), was someone who put out insignificant flames like a barbecue flare-up. In contrast would be a major fireman, who puts out conflagrations like the one started by that Roman bastard Nero. Forgive my use of the term fireman. Back in the Roman days, women did not have the right to be the heroes they are today. That has thankfully changed.

Nero: Neither god nor flamen, just a flamin' fiddler

Further about the obscure god, Wikipedia states, "Falacer, or more fully dīvus pater falacer, was an ancient Italic god, according to Varro."

An Italic god? What, are we supposed to always italicize his name? Go ahead and unitalicize it if you wish.  He was only an obscure god assigned a lesser priest. What's he gonna do? Curse you with some goofy Roman phrase like, "Ad hominus, max ominous, ineffectus, non erectus"?

Wikipedia goes on, "Hartung (no clarification from Wikipedia on who the heck that is) is inclined to consider him an epithet of Jupiter, since falandum, according to Festus, was the Etruscan name for 'heaven.'"

Which brought me to another Wikipedia article about "epithets" which states, "An epithet (from Ancient Greek epítheton 'adjective', from epíthetos 'additional'), also byname, is a descriptive term (word or phrase) known for accompanying or occurring in place of a name and having entered common usage."

Also, "The word epithet can also refer to an abusive, defamatory, or derogatory phrase. This use as a euphemism is criticized by Martin Manser and other proponents of linguistic prescription. H. W. Fowler complained that "epithet is suffering a vulgarization that is giving it an abusive imputation."

Oh yeah? Just try calling "Jupiter" "Falacer", if you dare, and see if he doesn't consider it an abusive imputation. I wouldn't want to have to answer to that roar from the heavens, "Are you calling me an obscure god, assigned to a minor flamon?"

Here is more, I regret, from Wikipedia: "The etymology of flamen remains obscure, and perhaps undecidable. The term is traditionally connected with the Proto-Germanic verb blōtanan ("to sacrifice"), by positing a Proto-Indo-European stem blehdmen (or blehgmen), which could have originally meant "sacrifice". However, the link remains uncertain since it is impossible to decide whether the Latin form reflects an earlier flă-men, flăd-men or flăg-smen."

Which brings us to our next diety; Amphigory, the Greek goddess of gobbledygook. 

Then there is Palatua; an obscure goddess who guarded the Palatine Hill. As opposed to being assigned a minor flamen, according to Wikipedia, "she was assigned a flamen minor." That, I guess, would be a religious leader under the legal age for priesthood.

Here are a few more Roman gods listed on Wikipedia. I didn't read the entire article on each, but I've provided what I am sure is an apt description or comment for each:

Disciplina
The goddess of dominatrices.

Fecunditas
Personification of fertility. Fecund always sounded too close to fecal for my liking. Hardly what might come to mind when thinking "fruitful". Then again, what personifies fertility better than, well, you know what.

Latona
Goddess of light. I thought that would have been Daytona.

Eos, Portunus, and Artemis
These were later re-envisioned as the Three Musketeers.

Scotus
God of darkness. Ain't that the truth!

Verminus
God of cattle worms. There's a god for that?

Caca
There's a god for that?

As comprehensive as Wikipedia's lists are, we here at Snow Shoveling In Canada thought our readers should be aware of a few more obscure gods (assigned to negligible flamens).

Angina  - Greek goddess of chest pain.
Angora  - Greek goddess of goat hair.
Avunculus -  Roman god of uncles.
Cerumen  - Roman god of earwax.

Finally, we have Vulcan, the Roman god of emotionless extraterrestrials.

By the way, why are beings from the planet Vulcan referred to as Vulcans? After all, we don't refer to people from Jordan as Jordans, do we? Shouldn't the demonym for someone from Vulcan be Vulcanite, or Vulcaner, or Vulcanian? 

There really should be a god or goddess of demonyms. Perhaps Demonyma? I sure could use her help sometimes.