The Record-Setting Diet Plan

It once was my belief that it you mentioned sex and/or nudity in your blog, you would gain readership. Perhaps not the type of audience you're aiming to build, but readers nonetheless.

Well I've got news for you; if you want to rack up the views, just mention a diet plan 

My most viewed post here at Snow Shoveling In Canada by far (record-setting in a way) is The Purg-Odan Weight Loss Plan, an entry wherein I chronicle my preparation for a colonoscopy.

However, if you carefully peruse my blog, you will see on the sidebar of any page — under the heading "What The Heck Is This Blog About?" — that there is the Latin phrase "caveat lector", which means "let the reader beware." 

It seems, in light of the inexplicable popularity of that particular post, that a number of folks are not heeding that warning and are assuming that I was writing about a real weight loss plan. This is a satire blog and people should not lend credence to many of the words published here.

I realize, of course, that most of the views and submitted comments for that post are from spammers and bots. Regardless, whoever they are, they're obviously unaware of the overall intention of this blog.

As an example, I present an actual comment submitted by one Songlung Makye.

Songlung states, "I agree with you; this is one of the best weight management resources I have seen in your blog. By the way A Foolproof, Scinence(sic)-Based Diet that's 100% Guranteed to Melt Away 12 t0(sic) 23 Pounds of Stumbborn(sic???) Body Fat in Just 21- Days !!!"

Well Songlung, let me say that I am glad you commented on my blog — in spite of your erroneous belief as to what this particular post is about.

Although I should address your declaration about losing 12 to 23 pounds of fat. I do believe you left out the umlaut in your spelling of the type of body fat that you claim can be shed. It is Stümbborn (pronounced SHTOOM-born), a city in central Germany known for its rather stout citizens. Stümbborn fat is notoriously difficult to shed mainly due to its cause from crisp apple strudels and schnitzel with noodles. 

From the civic anthem of Stümbborn:

♫ Schnitzel and strudel and rich food from Stümbborn

Can't put on pants without using a shoehorn

Noshing at Arby's and then Burger King

These are a few of our favorite things

Pound cake with frosting and pie with molasses

Pounds that will stay on our hips and our asses

Gorging ourselves till we break a bedspring

these are a few of our favorite things

When the doc cites

All those mean things — 

Unappealing stats

We eat two grams less of our favorite things

And then we don't feel so fat. ♪

I must remind myself to stay away from of any civic events - or at least the ceremonial preamble thereof - if I ever visit Stümbborn, otherwise I might have to listen once more to that drivel. Who the heck wrote that table scrap anyway? Oscar Ham-and-stein?

Just a snack for a well-known Stümbborn lyricist

I wonder how Stümbbornites, I mean Stümbborners, uh Stümbbornians, that is to say the citizens of Stümbborn would react to a question posed by my grandmother years ago at family dinner. She was serving dessert and asked my older brother, "Eric, would you like a piece of Sara Lee?" My brother seemed a little dazed. My dad on the other hand had a hearty laugh. 

And at another dinner, it was my mother who was dishing out cake or pie for dessert. She asked my grandmother — a widow for many years — if she would like a little piece. My dad, without skipping a beat, said, "Irene hasn't had a little piece since Bill passed away." This time it was granny's turn for the guffaws.

Here is a food-related "news" item from UPI:

"A pair of British friends donned ice cream costumes and crossed the finish line of the Jersey Marathon at the same time, becoming co-holders of a Guinness World Record.

Alan Falle and Scott Welsh earned the Guinness World Record for fastest marathon dressed as a sweet food (male) when they crossed the finish line together after 3 hours, 48 minutes and 12 seconds."

There's a load of malarkey, and just in time for Saint Patrick's Day! I mean seriously, what kind of record is that?

I remember when the Guinness Book of World Records had entries such as "world's longest mustache", or "tallest building" or "heaviest cat", or "coldest city", or "fastest train". But, "fastest marathon dressed as a sweet food (male)?' 

If this is the kind of thing they want, then I must call Guinness and make them aware that I just broke the record for the "longest stretch between posts for a humor blog about snow shoveling in Canada". That, dear readers, was 6 years and 357 days, shattering my own record of 1 year and 353 days.

But why should Guinness have a monopoly on listing dubious world records? 

I present to you some snippets from my forthcoming publication, "The Snow Shoveling In Canada Book of World Records" (readers should imagine some world record setting fanfare here).

• A runner from Greece, Spyridon Louis, holds the record for fastest marathon by a runner from Greece named Spyridon Louis (male). He crossed the finish line at 2 hours, 58 minutes, 50 seconds. A record which remains unbroken since 1896!
• Local rap "artist" Mini K, has sold more records (among other things offered up at his garage sale) than anyone in the history of Minikin, Ontario.
• Adam Sandler holds the record for starring in more bad movies than anyone in Hollywood history (a verifiable fact if ever there was one).
• "The Purg-Odan Weight Loss Plan" is the world's most ineffective diet.
• Sir Charles Tupper had the shortest term of any Canadian Prime minister - 68 days. So woeful was his political career that he decided to go off in a different direction; manufacturing plastic food storage containers. This continues to be a very successful business.
• The German city of Stümbborn holds the record for using the least amount of Tupperware, per capita, of any community in the world. This is due to the fact that there are rarely any leftovers from a typical Stümbborn meal.

I did say, "caveat lector" did I not? 

Perhaps Guinness should too.