However, Red IS Canada's National Colour

The ever-vigilant CBC has provided us with an important story regarding a boy who was has been bullied for being Canadian.

From the article:

A 15-year-old boy in Upstate New York alleges that two of his teachers teased him so much about being Canadian that he became depressed, prompting his mother to pull him out of school.

“They’d say things like ‘Canada’s full of communists. They club baby seals. That my opinion doesn’t really matter because I’m a Canadian,’” Noah Kilpatrick said by phone from Watertown, N.Y.

When I first skimmed this article (I'm on an intellectual diet so I only digest skimmed words), I thought the instigators were the boy's classmates. But it was the teachers who were the culprits. You would think adults would know better, but then you look at the state of the world and... Oh well.

Nonetheless, we here at Snow Shoveling In Canada would like young Noah to know that we have his back. We are here to defend all Canadians from such insults, and to inform and educate others about our country.

First of all, we are not a bunch of communists. The last time I checked, Stephen Harper and his Conservatives were still the governing federal party in Canada. But — in all fairness to the pubescent and post-pubescent persecutors from Watertown — compared to the U.S. Republicans, our Tories are a bunch of pinko reactionaries. When you throw in the Liberals, the Bloc Québécois, and the NDP, Canada would seem to be virtually FULL of communists.

It is just a coincidence our intrepid RCMP have red uniforms, and that our flag is half red, and that one of Canada's national emblems, the beaver, is a notoriously social animal.

Nonetheless, if the Americans tease us enough, we are prepared to spread our socialist agenda like a red plague and contaminate the States with our Bolshevist ideology. That'll serve 'em right. BAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!

Now to this business of bashing little pinnipeds. Personally, I’ve never clubbed a baby seal. None of my friends or relatives have either, as far as I know. However, we have been known to quite frequently venture onto the ice and hammer the hell out of each other with sickle-like sticks. This practice is known as "Ice Hockey" and has been designated as Canada's official winter sport. Canada's official summer sport is Lacrosse, wherein we use an even heavier chunk of lumber to beat the maple syrup out of each other on the grass or concrete.

Come to think of it, that tyke might have done well to advise his American teachers and classmates of the Canadian penchant for using wooden objects to clobber people. They might have thought twice about picking on him.

Would-be bullies should also be aware that many Canadians like to wield smaller pieces of wood with chopping blades attached. These are the axes of the myriad of lumberjacks who populate our country. Attention Watertown educators and schoolchildren: Consider your next words to a Canadian carefully lest you receive a visit from a gang of angry Paul Bunyanesque loggers.

ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE FOR A TYPICAL CANADIAN 

(IN HIS FAVORITE FAVOURITE RED SHIRT)

CANADA'S FEDERAL POLICE FORCE COMING AT YOU IN A SEA OF RED

 ADMITTEDLY, OUR HORSES WILL SOMETIMES WEAR RED

ONE OF OUR NATIONAL EMBLEMS ADORNED IN A POPULAR CANADIAN COLOR COLOUR

WE CANNOT SAY WITH ANY CERTAINTY THAT THERE ARE ABSOLUTELY NO COMMUNISTS IN CANADA

OK. Enough with the Canadian stereotypes. I must say goodbye for now. It's time to lock up the ol' igloo and head to work. Now where did I leave my axe?