I'll Have A Foot-Long Monkey Meat On Italian To Go

I thought you could buy a monkey meat sandwich at Subway.

Subway has had ads out (in Canada at least) that show some sort of breakfast superhero squad.

MORNING HUNGER IS NOTHING TO FEAR WHERE THIS TEAM OF SUPERHEROES IS FOUND

There’s an egg with an attitude ("The Awesome Ovum"?), a tomato (female, of course — perhaps “Toots the Tomato”) and some green fellow who might be known as “Phallic Vegetable Man”.

I’m pretty sure these superheroes represent the food that you can have on your sandwiches at Subway. The other member of the squad that I did not mention yet is a swaggering, helmeted monkey. He is the biggest of the group and appears to be the leader. Let’s call this super simian "One Tough Monkey".

Since you can get egg, tomato, and cucumber on your sandwiches, one can assume that you can also get monkey meat (if you so desire). I, for one, have no such desire. But I am curious, since there is no logical explanation, as to why the monkey is represented.  Could he just be a mascot? If so, why a monkey? In fact, I did a Google search and could not find one website that could explain this monkey business.

So, I recently walked into our nearest Subway and asked the girl behind the counter if they served monkey meat. She was courteous and professional, but her reply was a rather firm “No sir, we do not”. I thought I’d better not push it and ask her about the names of the anthropomorphized creatures from the Super Breakfast Squad.

While we’re on the subject of TV ads, I recently saw one that honestly, actually, believe-it-or-not was trying to get people to buy a washing machine cleaner. I think it was from the makers of Tide.

The woman in the commercial walks toward her laundry room and suddenly her face contorts into one of abject revulsion as she apparently smells this wretched putrid stench coming from her washing machine. She couldn’t have been more disgusted if a horde of sewer rats had committed mass suicide in her heating ducts.

Personally, I’ve NEVER washed my washing machine. If this woman came anywhere in the vicinity of our duds sudser, she would likely make a beeline to our washroom to call Ralph on the big white phone.

Now I may be wrong about this but don’t most people put a detergent directly into the washing machine when they do laundry? Does the washer not go through a cycle of sloshing and swishing around with warm sudsy soapy water for several minutes, going whoosha-wooka whoosha-wooka whoosha-wooka? Is not everything then put through a rinse cycle, which involves more sloshing and swishing — more whoosha-wooka whoosha-wooka whoosha-wooka? Does the machine not spin everything at the speed of a particle accelerator,  thereby ensuring that anything and everything but the clothes has been flung from the drum both prior to and after the rinse cycle?

I don't remember ever complaining, “I would do a load of laundry, but the washing machine is dirty” or “Honey, can we do something about this stinking washing machine? I’m afraid it will soil my used jock strap.”

Why doesn’t Tide market an additive to moisturize the water? Perhaps someone like the makers of Bounce could come up with a drying agent for your dryer. Crest could surely jump on the bandwagon and invent a toothbrush brush. Maybe GE could come up with a device to warm up your oven. There’s a whole untapped market out there!


Finally, on a completely unrelated note, I want to mention a scientific study in France that concludes men with guitars are sexy.  It is hard to argue against this, as the photo below illustrates:

ON TOUR WITH THE FÜHRER