Saturday, February 6, 2016

O, To Go Togo

Prior to writing this particular blog post, had someone asked me "Where's Togo?", I would have responded — very Tarzan-like — "Toe go in sock, with other toes and rest of foot."

For reasons which will become apparent, I have now learned a little about Togo and its people.

Togo is a skinny strip of land in western Africa. It is bordered on the north by another west African country and on either side by yet more west African countries. The south is bordered by a west African body of water. Little else is known of its geography since it is in west Africa.

The people of Togo speak mainly French and the Gbe languages, A Gbe language is known for its tendency to drop vowels between consonant pairs that have no business being unvoweled. Incidentally, those who are proficient in Gbe are also very skilled at texting. Knw wht I mn? In contrast, the French use very few consonants and take an intolerably long time to text, I'm told.

I recently received an email from someone by the name of Jamie Scota. Mr. Scota claims to be an attorney from the Republic of Togo.

Mr. Scota wished to advise me that I am the beneficiary of an inheritance in the amount of fifteen million and eight-hundred thousand U.S. dollars. Now that's quite a sum for anyone; but if you were to convert that into Canadian dollars, that windfall would make me a virtual billionaire ($15,800,000 $USD multiplied by $CAD exchange rate and then converted to the metric system).

He asked that if I were "capable of handling this inheritance claim deal" that I should "kindly revert quickly" with my "positive and prompt feedback".

Therefore, I would like to use this blog post to publicly give my positive prompt feedback and kindly quick revertance:

Dear Mr. Scota,

Since I have no relatives or friends who are Togolinian, I mean Togorian, uh Togoin, that is to say citizens of Togo, I am surprised to learn that I have inherited such a large sum from someone in your fine country. I could, however, be mistaken and learn that gigantic inheritances in U.S. funds for Canadians are generally handled by lawyers from Togo.

Although I am pleased that someone has decided to bless me with such a fortune, I must decline since I am really not "capable of handling this inheritance claim deal", as you say.

Not that I don't like money, it's just that I do not wish to spoil my humble life of anonymity and modesty with such a prodigious quantity of jack.

And although I will not be venturing to Africa to pick up my inheritance, I would love to come visit you in your lovely country and maybe have a festive celebration. I've heard that those Togo parties are wild!

G. Thomas Boston, Esq.

AND, as I was composing THAT letter, ANOTHER email from Togo arrived! It reads:

With Due respect,
My name is Mr Richardson Lewis, I work with financial institution here in Lome Togo. My late client by name Mr. Ruslan who bear the same last name with you made a numbered time (fixed) deposit valued at (Five million five hundred thousand US dollars) at my branch. I need your assistance to stand in as his next of kin and claim this money.The process is simple. We will apply with your name as his next of kin. I will use my position in the bank to guarantee the successfull (sic) execution of this transaction. For more information please contact me. Thanks. 
Mr.Richardson Lewis

So, let me respond to THAT:

Thank you Mr. Lewis. It seems incredible that I would have TWO inheritances awaiting me in Togo, but as I stated earlier, not much is known of your country and perhaps EVERYONE in the Americas has a multi-million dollar inheritance or two awaiting them. Who knows? 

I am slightly puzzled by you assertion that my last name is Ruslan. Perhaps in one of the Gbe languages it comes out that way, but I'm surprised that it doesn't translate as Rsln or Bstn. 

Maybe I should rethink this. Perhaps you and Mr. Scota could advance me a few bucks so I can come and pick up my inheritance in style. Just send a cheque in care of Snow Shoveling In Canada. Two million, no make that three million, ought to do it for now. After a few Togo parties — for appropriate celebration — are completed, I will let you know when I can visit y'all.  
Thanks a lot!!!

G. Thomas Boston 


Togo! Togo! Togo!


  1. I'll take a couple million "to go". :)

    1. I think I have a million or two to spare. But I would not be surprised if you have an inheritance waiting for you as well!

  2. Well, now I'm jealous. I've heard from many solicitors in Nigeria, offering grandiose claims to a great windfall I could if I'd merely provide basic banking information, but not ONCE have I gotten any offers from Togo. Not once! I'd kinda like to go there...

    1. And by the same token, I would love to visit Nigeria, but I've received no solicitations from that country.

      Perhaps we should set up a database of U.S. and Canadian contacts (with all our bank account info, of course) so that African lawyers can make us all rich!

      Surely there must be enough money there to make every American and Canadian a millionaire!

    2. Sounds like a plan!

      The email scams from Nigeria have been very prevalent here. Evidently, they must meet some degree of success, or else they would have stopped doing it by now. What really strikes me as funny, in a pathetic kinda way, is there was another scam email, allegedly from someone high up in the Nigerian government, offering apologies for the scammers. Even offered to pay restitution... all the receiver had to do was send his banking info, blah, blah, blah. Now here's the rub: some people, who had already been scammed ONCE, fell for the plea, and got scammed AGAIN! OY